Part one

I woke at falling shattering coffee mug and hopes of getting the security deposit back.  Bolted, I witnessed faceless companion-though-rent leaning to twin kitchen sinks, looking at a real television beyond windowpane stage’s sick comedies.  Across mundane alley, I pieced jigsaw face puzzled crowd among three curious school buses wearing camouflage.  Old woman in red beaten faceless fancy coat indifferent from her aging face.  Cane kicked from beneath token wise man.  Handcuffed Children ran for parents in faces of boots and spitting.  The inescapable program took form, no commercials.  Outside seeps in, disguised as shocked silence.  Edward, my superimposing guest and stingy host, never removed his eyes from the experiment carnivorously gawked but could not plot.  Shouting to human cattle–why beyond our fears?  Panicked protection from unknown circumstances bolted barricading furniture to openings as trickled, lingering fear slowly consumed us.  Deadbolt brought life, the lazy boy awakened, shackled entrance to entrance.  At hallway’s epicenter, Edward and I listened for optimistic silence.

Terrible opportunity fragmented our door with steel hands, driving plywood like children’s hands through sand pierced our first protective layer, the second knock tearing refrigerator in two–shrapnel thrown to thud.  The entry wound bled green suits glinting infected steel, mad faces hardened by circumstance.  The couch tossed itself aside, helpless as us in mutilation’s arms to the ground fucker get down I said get down now you sonfabitch you don’t hear very well cocksucker get on the ground we’re here to save you now move it get out now goddamnit get down on a rag doll flops in industrial steel cages.  I give no resistance, disallowed to resist time as claws ripped me to my feet by hands behind my back.  Fade at the carpet fading boots running.  Fade my neighbors slapped against fading walls faded oh god no not my baby.  Fade down staircases looking to open front door fading.  Dragged foot, fumbled mutters by Ed. I lost fade no more fading knickknacks the pain in my fade.   Fading sunlight on my warming hair fade where is Ed fading smell blood in my clotting nose. Familiar voices curdling fade growled  orders fade my heart please fade nervous fade.  Can’t help fading fade.

*****

The bench thrown into catches more comforting than hands tossing civilians.  The elderly do not fear under dignity, but the rest of us understand our excuses for living are under scrutiny.  His clothes’ tattoo read PISSBROW.  Slumped against seat, my lolling head catches facial glimpses.  Concrete cheeks dripped from cold steel eyes.  Too many questions for fear to answer outright.  Ed gasped beside, whiter than underwear.  I jarred another unrecognized but surely bonding should this experience extend past entrapment. I look over heads and soft skulled babes hog-tied to mothers watching Pissbrow extending his welcome.  WE APOLOGISE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE.  MY ORDERS ARE TO TRANSPORT YOU TO THE FACILITY WITHOUT PROBLEMS THERE WILL BE NO TALKING SMOKING LOOKING AROUND CONVERSING FREETHINKING INTIMIDATING COMPENSATING AVOIDING SIGNALING OR ELSE YOU WILL BE SHOT.  DRASTIC MEASURES HAVE TAKEN PLACE. AND WE ARE HERE FOR YOUR SAFTELY.  LOOK STRAIGHT AHEAD AND SAY NOTHING, DO NOTHING, BE NOTHING. WE WILL ARRIVE AT OUR DESTINATION IN APPROXIMATELY FOURTEEN HOURS.

Through silence encased words pitched rules only to engine wind chimes. Four hours into Pissbrow guarding aisle hiphanded, withdrawn as each interstate bump jolted us. Humble towns passed in swerves and accelerations.  Thin concentration to jittery voiced cracking in forced neglect.  “Hey!  Yeah, Um Mr. Soldier, Do you think we could stop for a leak?  If I don’t drain my lizard, I’m just going to explode.  I’m going to wet my pants soon, so could you please.”  Pissbrow fired against my face.  Acidic hot fluid and ringing ears a sick split second pop choke and glug.  My own slacked jaw and dry eyes spread as Magdalene legs.  No sickness No TV No aspirin No back support No strange currents to keep me going.  Blank air staring uncontrolled, as if kissing the screaming.  Two runts tossed poor Ed twitching like blank pulped meat.  A bloodshot sick bullet hole in the window, a white-hot pupil suspicious with shattered eyelashes unblinkingly witnessed death after its creation warned.

Jammed.  The whole thing jammed.  One highway filled with vehicles all to somewhere as bad, locked without offering directions through aluminum foiled autobody crowd.  At the hilltop, bastards herded minivans with window chalked REPENT great road beasts locked bumper to slaughterhouse bumper, streaming like queasy horizons salmon flopping in heat mirage waves.  Horns reap the irritant from the boredom.

The audio track passes time, a bad reception live, “I ask of all who have sinned the lord repent now while there still for judgment day when coming arrives the dead will from grave and all are holy will sent immediately to without the pain of while the damned are to hell for all eternal for the lord is love and I have…

Rubberneck to frazzled man.  Wild Moses hair framed face howling to open the doors of his leather coat chapel to pews of dynamite, time’s exposed symbol to his almighty duty to pull rip cord parachuting flames.  Fight or flight diseased quivering legs.  The fire drew breaking windshields, engulfing the hull–Pissbrow and driver dove into its Halloween orange teeth.

Gas tank gas tank gas tank

Throw down movement outscreaming roaring heat (never fast enough) exiting infernos at the mouth of hell.  Muscle tissue ate itself in choking gusts of plastic’s black burn.

Exit.  The gas tank the gas tank.  Exit.  Alarm will sound.

Exit.

Fresh gasp from the womb OUT. Out to lit asphalt, fat highway cholesteroled with stressed platelet vehicles pounding in my vein-broken temples.  Exploding dominoes come with heat’s fumy fingers to open cheese fields and cow pie plant pastures roaming open ditch in uncaring mud climaxing desperate frustration claws earth from brimstone echoes suffering.  Crawling estranged to lumpy ground, cindered beautifully down both starved paths of highway.  At least, my destination.

Feet hit concrete as a moon landing. Carjammed seatbelt fumblers while lions roared intimately beyond disturbing limits.  Skin peels back, melting cornea powerlessly still running.  Death’s warm hand touched my shoulder so there’s no use fighting.  Fight replaces flight.  Lungs tighten from rubber unclean fingers burning acidic gag steals saved air behind open dunes beyond glinting cars in heated directions rumbling in ears in head under foot integrated into a single adrenal fire slowly pulling roads toward itself, flat horizons a guardian and cars on conveyor belts smile toothily entering melting grounds.  If this be baptism by fire, I can not drowned. I would not wake up screaming.  A slow roar inside the lion’s mouth, I wasn’t ready to.  Not yet I just can’t not with fire’s lone scream in nowhere like dead skunks too close to last breaths taking danger over the leap from hell’s colon with blasted dives at painful surfaces. In frustration for not having the time for quality tears, I outwit fire, as fire cannot consume what it does not understand to be fuel.  I am too wet to be eaten by you, do you see my sweat?  My slobber?  I am unfit and fire agrees.

*****

At a cold shit drizzle alarm call, a jeep axle confronted me in half sleeping road tar grafting facial burns.  No brown burlap couch.  No soft and broken-in bed.  Cold air replaced morning senses with birds and stretches.  Hair clumped with my brother’s acrylic blood. Legs burned internal fire viewed by glossy eyes black from the pyre’s release.  Examining wounds with wounded eyes, I rose between two hissing tires elbowing mud puddles of rain’s stench chilling life to bone.

Chill infected my spine unceasingly more buoyant than this vessel sinking ash weakened asphalt seas.  Gates of surrounding carnage enclosed disillusionment. It could go no further than the bodies.  The flesh blanket peeled back revealing white skull sheets, glistening rain moisture washing all duties.  Damage tolerable, but expressions too much.  His arm, twisted inhuman to his back, shoulder a sculpture of tragedy. A seventeen-year-old blond burned and kneecap bent against will, with realization charred to sculpt.  Soldier chest heaved in throes of sputtering death in fear’s solitude of singular heavy wheezes.  Thigh of a small girl, but no body.  The hand.   In burned restraints of child seat save for white grimacing teeth empty sockets and clothes melted stains of fashion fused with rot.  Clicking sounds.  The cheek folded as skin pushed by bone vertebrae finger of elderly man, spilling unknown tissues not used for weeping.  I absorb their injuries ignoring mine.  Lumpy oatmeal shock in stomach, unaware of the clots in my own consciousness, taking motherless notes on the birth of this true and real hallucination.  I’ve had to get out of that crematorium.

Asphalt fields stank in my lungs.  I had no will to escape death far from my own, incapable of movement.  Immobile weaknesses stab strength with each step light headed trebling closer to inevitable collapse. My noodle bones boiled in delirium’s red seas metamorphosing weariness to tunnel vision and stares to dry places of warmth.  Chill prickled movements to bullet riddled white minivan called comfort to a fraying soul.  I do not know how to survive my instincts removed with machines and minimum wage.

Petrol thick air burned, dry carpet floors calling me to place my shaking paws on it’s door handles, pull down, slide back black handle, open safety.  What remained from torn fashion skin partially from my body sticks and suffocates epidermis without so much as a cold wet slap from my shirt and my jeans to chafe and push all gravity.

Door slides open on slick smooth wheels and crying shame.  Hot breath from chilly nose subsided for the thunder.  I thank surrounding unstable chaos to allow a saved strength, letting the ground kiss me, the horizon now vertical, slumber tugging like a violent puppy. The harsh outside womb spit me into help me but I will not go gently for anyone but slumber.  Help me.  The nose-dive into subconscious hit a labored sound,  cries for help penetrate determined sleep.  I raised my head with motivational fear.  Two cracks in my face opened, white pupils scanned a damned mother.

No strength to hold vision, eyes lolled in her slumped head with bloody hands and a cracked brown mask from caked wounds help me shot right into my eyes.  The pink rivers wearing the mask away help me cutting through light skin tones beneath help me straight to eyes into optic nerves help me into brain help me meltdown.  Her gut birthed pain for one, death for one and a shining bullet buried in womb.  Quivering lips chanting mercy reverberated upon itself summon personal demons leaking nausea and blurred vision to plague help me.  Initial vomit and caboose of dry heaves guilted inactivity as splash hit stubbled carpet floor.  Just as pregnant with insanity, she labored death–the mother no Madonna and a stray bullet no Jesus.  I could barely save my remorseful ocean in a leaking mourning boat.  I Lucklessly left, in accordance to a backward life cycle.

Step one where will I go.  Step two what will happen.  Step three still alive.  Step four there a car undamaged, there.  Step four just a little farther.  Step four over the leg.  Step six ignore the screaming.   Step six keep focused.  Step seven no pain is too great for eventual rest.  Step eight doubt.  Step nine alone in the living.  Step ten almost there.  Step twelve the car door is unlocked and the window rolled down.  Step thirteen I release control.  Step fourteen the fall begins.  I lose among the mess of memories.

Solar newness assaulted bloodshot spheres.  New cars odors rubbed my stench.  No rain, no clouds, no movement for the day.  When my eyes separate for light once more, a new day allows.