Five 80s Film/TV Characters with Emotionally Scarring Nicknames: Sources and Outcomes.

The only traumatic nickname I recall is when my dad scared my aunt as a child and she ran off, smack dab into a clothesline pole and knocked her front tooth out.  To this day, as they are both retired, he still calls her “Boo”.  But growing up in front of the Television, there were very few reasons for the nicknames that people seemed to acquire in the TV and Movies, that left a permanent mark on the psyche of these people, as well as the people sitting at home watching the torture parade of their lives.

5)Boner (Family Ties)

It's sad to see a man go from boner to pussy.

Whatever happened to Mr. Stabone?  Did he have to leave town?  Was he the neighborhood charity case?  Whatever the situation, even as an eight year old, I knew that Boner had earned that name from something horrific, something never mentioned on the show about the REAL reason he received the nickname “Boner.”  Sure, it’s a nickname that you could easily work at a frathouse.  But I always had the idea from the Seavers that by calling him “Boner”,  they were reminding him of some that terrible night when his dad went crazy and stabbed his mom, and the Young Stabone called his priest to get help, but after the priest shot Daddy Stabone, the child was brutally molested in the garage—but the housekeeper opened the door and the whole neighborhood witnessed it and got quite a chuckle out of it.  Society has named him Boner, and Boner  accepted his pitiable destiny in some dystopian suburb out of a Shirley Jackson story.

It's a hard on life.

4) Duckie (Pretty in Pink)

just wait until you start dying on the INSIDE.

Duckie, life is going to be very hard for you.  Women like Molly Ringwald will keep you on a leash and your wacky free spirit and your wild attire and unusual ways will create many adversaries in the real world.  And though “Duckie” may infer that you are capable of dodging many things—pennies, slushies, rocks– being nimble and light on your light and puckish feet (as we can tell from your glaring attire) will get you through until you start packing on the depression pounds.  I’ve seen it ruin many a folk.   Sure, you got Christie Swanson, but shut down by Molly Ringwald, and that’s the worst thing that can happen to a guy for many, many reasons.  And for what?  Bein’ a nice guy.  Sorry Duckie, You’ll never get over her in your cubicle.  I’d suggest going gay, but in the 80s, you would probably die of AIDS.  You won’t be happy, but stick with Kristy Swanson.  If you can’t be gay, be a nerd, and what better way than to tap Buffy the Vampire Slayer?

I'll kill BOTH of our careers!

3) Lisa “Boof” Marconi (Teen Wolf)

At least they don't pick on you as much as that freakish girl with the religious mother.

The theory is that at some point, she had a bouffant and caught mad hell for it, much like I did with my he man Underoos in kindergarten, which in hindsight was probably sheer jealously.  But oh, if only every house had a girl next door, you would be surrounded by pussy, and the girl next door would no longer exist and penthouse forum would lose half it’s plots (or what there is of it).  How ever she got her name, seems to have a positive connotation to it.  Shunned as she may be at school and invisible to even the were-losers, she seems generally left alone in comparison to the social tortures of …

2) Booger (Revenge of the Nerds)

Can't you just wait to roll over every morning and see this?

In that strange genre of “attempt to get laid” movies, there is always a dude who embodies the juvenile humor of their target audience.  What simple elegance to be named after what he is apparently good at.  He practically renounces society in a mad genius kind of way and expects adversity at every step—and it’s turned him into a hard-hitting, high rolling mother fucker.  With such a moniker, his emotional scarring ends up manifesting by buying a few paltry stocks in this little company called International Business Machines.  After buying the Alpha Beta’s frat house and turn it into a highly lucrative sewage treatment center (which by a legal loophole, the Alpha Betas are still required to live in aforementioned sewage treatment center),  Booger gives some start up money to his friend Bill and becomes a primary stockholder.  Now he puts cigars on five digit courtesans and says, “Say my name, bitch!  Say my name!”  The cigars has given his weaselly voice a raspy, Jabba the Hutt baritone as he darts off for a weekend of making a new snuff film because it’s the only way he can get an erection.

Panty Raid!

1)Lawrence “Chunk” Cohen (the Goonies)

The truffle shuffle is now what they call getting defibrillated at age 12.  Knowing how cruel kids can be, he was not named because he battled with childhood obesity–it’s because he lost half a finger to diabetes, which to their young eyes looked like someone had taken a “chunk” out of his finger.  Of course he’s a little needy, even if his closest allies are torturing him with his quickly arriving death.  Unfortunately, Data’s attempts at making a dialysis machine failed miserably.

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