Top 5 Unlikely Man Crushes

It’s necessarily a short list and nearly void of eye-candy.  Though I don’t like most things, there are five dudes out there that would form the eclectic team of Super Friends of my mind.  I probably have very little in common with them, probably couldn’t carry a conversation with them, probably wouldn’t sleep with them–but I, like Michael Moore swooning over Hil-dog, admire them from afar because they could probably kick my ass.  Truth be told, I would probably be reduced to a gibbering, teenage girl in tears in their presence.

Seriously. If you saw how I looked meeting Jim Jarmusch, it's not far off...

Sometimes, it’s their talent.  Sometimes, It’s their sense of gravitas. and sometimes it’s the crazy Shit they say.

5)  Vice President Joe Biden

So after JFK got himself shot up, America got Lyndon Baines Johnson, covered in blood.  There are rumors that Johnson laughed over Kennedy’s corpse.  If I was VP and my main man was bustin’ commies, Cubans, Cosa Nostra, and Kong in the early 60s, and I was as batshit crazy as LBJ, even I would say to myself, “Are You fuckin’ nuts?”

Biden is Obama’s LBJ.  I had a social sciences teacher who told me that Johnson held his cabinet meetings skinny dipping, because Johnson was real proud of his huge dick (ew) and two cabinet members quit ‘cause they were repulsed by Johnson’s appointed executive member and I don’t blame them.  At first, Biden was the crazy guy who made obam look good; now he’s the right wing nut’s worst nightmare:  assassinate this nigga and THIS crazy motherfucker makes the rules. You wanna fuck wit me? Do ya? DO YA? Biden is the fucking Scarface of the White house.  Aw bitch, he’ll mutherfuckin nuke the middle east, North Korea, South Korea, Detroit (not that anyone would notice) China and Kansas just to get the point across.  Biden would nuke the muthafuckin deficit!  He hit the red button so many times, Clinton’s call girls on speed dial get jealous.

Naw, man, let Biden say whatever the fuck he wants.  His folksy sass show up in spades,   All Obama has to do is throw up his presidential gang sign and say “How you gonna fuck wit me? I gots crazy on my side.”

Any time the presidential hate mail gets above ten tons a day, they stop slipping the Clonopin In Joe’s Juice box and send him on a press junket where he gets his hypoglycemia out of whack on fairground funnel cakes and goes on The View to find out which one is the lesbian.  It’s a fucking big Deal.

It's the kiss of death before throwing him under the bus.

4) Dennis Quaid

Kurt Russell tried out for the part of Han Solo.  And I started to think about Harrison Ford and thinking the unthinkable about the revered smuggler.  Sure, hating on star wars is now just as popular as liking it, so I’ll throw my hat into the ring with a new pinion:  Dennis Quaid is a better Harrison Ford than Harrison Ford and not as pricey.  Whereas Harrison gets top billing to do a few crap movies, Dennis gets more work doing some real eye-gougers—but does it with all the gravitas of Harrison.  There’s no disappointment when Quaid plays Hawk in GiJoe–but when Harisson climbs into a lead-lined refrigerator to avoid an atomic bomb, he is forever disowned.  Furthermore, Dennis has a silly-looking brother, Randy, who carries his own weight when it comes to comedic roles–a nice foil for Mr. serious/seriously ripped.  And that says nothing about his refusal to do post-Jedi Star Wars.  Fuck him.  Let Dennis Quaid do it.  He’ll do it better.  Oh yeah, and for the record,this is what Han Solo could have looked like:

3) Bradley Whitford:

I’ve loved Bradley since West wing.  Then he moved to studio 60 on the sunset strip. Ok, Aaron Sorkin is carrying him because he’s a good actor.  Canelled, cancelled, cancelled.   Why?  The programming was  “too smart”.  Maybe Brad here is just really good at giving a monologue while he’s heading down a corridor and can relay snappy dialogue that’s actually a monologue that’s four pages long of tech talk.   Then there are the photos of Mr. Whitford at a charity bachelor auction, where the tie comes off and six pack comes out, which set aside any assumptions that this ½ ginger has a chest of pasty, sallow, translucent skin.  The boy is ripped.  And what does he do?  He packs on thirty pounds for his quintessential role in “The Good Guys”, probably the most hilarious buddy cop TV shows out there (and I fucking HATE cops shows).   Sporting a mustache and badass one-liners, he really seals the deal on “The Good Guys” as a cheesy stuck-in-the-seventies cop, slutting up the cheap whore witnesses, jumping through plate-glass windows, sneaking whiskey from his flask, and wheezing against the inevitable heart attack before taking down the bad guys.  Wait…wasn’t he Secretary of State in the last season of West wing?  Daaaamn right.  And now he gots a mustache.

I think he's wearing his snuffleupagus underwear (hooo-dear...)

2) Sir Ian Mckellen

This is me with my ass in the air, Ian.  First off, you are a knight and it doesn’t get any hotter than that.  Second off, you are both Gandalf and Magneto.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not into older dudes, but for who you are and what you have done and being unabashedly gay, I’ll break my rule and say you can poop on me.  Not In the mouth, but Sir McKellan, WRECK ME.  And please, before you do it, explain it to me in great detail with all of the Shakespearean bravado at your disposal.  I get the vapors just thinking about it.  Pop a Viagra before you grab my hair and punish me like the dirty boy I am.

You want to see this sex tape, but you'll never be able to "unsee" it.

1)  Bruce Motherfuckin’ Campbell

Bruce Campbell is a funny Steve McQueen.  His roles have been cowboys, Elvis,  CIA agents, and swachbucklers—not to mention his harrowing performance in Evil Dead 2.  Think about it: unholy horrors are mentally fuckin’ with you for a whole night—few actors can express that understanding of survival.  Yet he turns around and plays a French waiter in the spider man series, hilariously mispronouncing peter parker’s last name as “peck-erre”.  I crack up every time I see him frozen in mid-diving-away-from-an-explosion face during the opening credits of Burn Notice.  When he dies, I hope he would donate his jaw to me.

Being in shape is for whiny little bitches.