Pig Play

You know those weird things you do when you’re like 5 that you’d rather not think of the psychological implications of, like pretending to be a bird for a week or killing small animals? Well, When I was 5, I was married to Miss Piggy. I had a stuffed Miss Piggy doll who wore a purple dress that had sparkles on it and we went everywhere together. I saw one in a second-hand store and it was like running into an embarrassing ex. I can only suppose that I was attracted to strong women, and she finally stopped chasing Kermit and needed a real man. In later seasons of the Muppet Show, she acquired a poodle named Fifi. What they never showed about me and Piggy’s love was that Fifi was actually invisible and lived with us. Eventually, I started doing dance numbers on a wide window sill of a Fisher Price record player and the stage wasn’t big enough for the both of us. After the divorce, her dad died and she ended up doing some commercial work. Good for her. And yes, she’s actually a man.

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